I am an expert on shame. I lived inside a very small playing field of my own creation, fenced in by shame I didn't even know about.
A couple of years ago I confronted my own shame for perhaps the first time in my life. The home and community--Southern Baptists--operated on shame. It was how good people behaved, honoring the Lord with their shame before him. My shame was so ingrained that I felt shame about being alive. Having any desire. All of my life felt like a f-uck up.
Not very DIVA of me, right? YES it’s total, full-frontal DIVA. I admit I did not have the courage to strip myself bare and face my shame. But when Divine Love itself peeled away my defenses, I stood there, naked in the presence of my Shame. I stared into my Shame. I rebuked it, which means, I denied its power over me. I recognized the great boulder that had blocked my path all my life had shrunk to the size of a tiny pebble. I picked it up for a souvenir, and walked on down the path. I wrote about this powerful moment in my blog. You can read it here.
In that moment I learned that shame is the doorway to transformation. I was elated. I thought I was done.
hahahaha! I was not done with shame, though blessedly, I usually recognize the signs that shame is blocking me from fulfilling my desire and living my luscious, powerful life. I can move through the door to my transformation--or not, as I choose. Shame is subtle, and persuasive, and sly.
It is at the root of resistance.
Chester Mainard, an extraordinary teacher about the body and soul, expressed it this way.
One of the tricky things about shame is that it is often invisible to the person experiencing it. Shame creates an “electric fence” within ourselves. Once you get shocked two or three times you stay back from the fence. The electricity can get turned off but you still don’t go near the fence anymore. When we are operating in our comfort zone we are actually operating inside the shame. Shame operates by avoiding the feeling of it, and it is tricky sometimes to notice what you are avoiding: “Oh, I’m not feeling anything right now.” That may be true or maybe shame is operating so well that you’ve learned to stay well inside that fence, not taking any risks that may result in the activation of the shame.
I see myself in this quote, Do you?
Shame’s invisible fence looks like avoidance, passivity, disarray, invisibility, hiding.
Shame looks like settling. I have heard shame say things like this:
“I am not that unhappy.”
“My se x life is O.K.”
“I am so busy!”
“I don’t need any help.”
“They won’t make it without me.”
“I can’t risk anything right now.”
Are you living inside an electric fence? How small is your comfort zone? Stretch out your hand. Let your imagination fly into your desire. How far does it go before shame talks you down?
What limits have your created on your pleasure? Your income? Your impact on the world? Inside your electric fence, you are kept small, in at least one area of your life, and probably many. Stop dying before you are dead. Stop limiting the magnificent possiblities of your life.
Where is your switch to turn off that electric fence? Where is your doorway to transformation and your fully-lived magnificent life?
(Hint: you can find it in your body.)
10/23/2011
10/14/2011
10/03/2011
More Sex than...
Anyone feels comfortable admitting.
Someone sent me this from the awesome website http://xkcd.com
Diva Carla LOVES this comic and definitely has more to say about it.
Stay tuned!
09/02/2011
08/22/2011
Masculine Fire
(Your 5th report from Sexological Bodywork immersion.)
I bring you the Fiery Heart of a King!
The magic sceptre, the lingam, the sword, the wand of love and all the affectionate and perjorative four-letter words for the male generative organ...
Dare I type Pe nis lest this newsletter be dumped ever after in your spam file...
The culture’s relationship to male “generative organ” is schizo! Medication to improve its performance has made it to mainstream commercial television, yet nothing is more frightening and dangerous than the sight of an erect pe nis.
One sad effect of this cultural fig leaf is the riddle posed by Joseph Kramer, developer of Sexological Bodywork:
What part of the male anatomy gets the most touch with the least creativity?
Yes, you guessed correctly, it is his pe nis, and this goes for self-touch, too. I suspect one reason for the lack of creative sensitive touch of the pe nis is that so many American men suffered circumcision as infants. The foreskin is the most sensitive part of the peni s, containing 80% of the nerve endings. Without the foreskin’s nuanced feedback, boys grow up focusing their self-touch rather aggressively on the head and shaft of their pe nis, and on the pleasurable blast of ejaculation. Or they do so if shame and self-denial have not been imprinted upon their sexuality.
As I’ve listened to the nearly 50 men who’ve modeled so far for the 100 Cocks project, I hear lots of stories about their emotional life, and their relationship to their sexuality, and their body. I am honored to have a window into their tender fiery hearts, taken into their confidence. Men have emotionally rich lives and beautiful hearts, to match their beautiful bodies. Men do very well given the burdens, expectations, and violence society has laid on them.
Just as women must feel safe to become engorged and aroused, so it is with men. Erection, ejaculation control, and emotional states all require a feeling of safety and acceptance, by self, and by partner. When men experience difficulties with sexual performance, sometimes the medicine of acceptance and appreciation is the only medicine required. They can just feel their bodies without needing to perform.
Most of the men I listen to report liking their pen is, and do not miss the foreskin they have not had since floating in the womb. While foreskin restoration is possible to some degree, the nerves and mucosal tissue is gone for good.
There is good news. With willingness to learn new erotic skills, release some habitual patterns of feeling, and treat their genitals and whole bodies with creative imagination, men can feel a vast palette of sensual pleasure, multiple orgasm, and sustained states of arousal and deeper emotional connection. Then men can truly own their masculine fire and power as lovers and warriors.
Here is how one creative King expressed himself:
Imagine someone who has only seen in black and white. Imagine handing him a paintbrush and a blank canvas and saying, "Paint!" How limited would his imagination be? The shapes and shadows might be exquisite, and everything will be limited to shades of gray. Now, show him color and see his imagination expand with new possibilities. THAT was my two-day intensive with Diva Carla. I got color. The whole experience was enlightening. I learned much about my body and my being.
Men are made like that, in full, living color. It just takes remembering.
With Pleasure,
Diva Carla
207-619-DIVA
http://orgasmicalchemy.com
Do you wonder how your sexuality would feel in COLOR? Call me for a brief chat about how we can work together to meet your needs and desires.
9 Cocks by Carla Sanders graphite pencil on paper
Click HERE to learn the ways you can participate in and financially support the 100 Cocks Sacred Art Project.
PS. This image is included in the Women's Caucus for Art exhibit catalogue, Reversing the Gaze.
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08/12/2011
Feminine Water Magik
Water Magik! Stories of swimming on two coasts can be found at the end of this newsletter. First, let's look inside.
This morning I took a dawn swim in Hobbs Pond, just me and the mist and a loon. Floating on my back in a pond so still the water is like sky, clouds above me and all around me, I pondered the watery erotic body.
This post is about Herections: the watery world of the vulva, vagina, and female prostate. The story is elegant and complex. The leading lady of this tale is erectile tissue, soft spongy tissue that is designed to fill with fluid and become engorged. We are familiar with the engorged, or erect, penis. A woman has as much erectile tissue as a man, only hers in mostly interior and hidden. You have to know how to feel for it.
Women have two kinds of erectile tissue: vascular, which fills with blood upon arousal, and glandular, which fills with prostate fluid. YES. Women have a prostate, and ejaculate a fluid similar in composition to male prostate fluid. Arousal brings engorgement and engorgement increases arousal. Eventually, orgasm comes. All women have this physical design to enjoy arousal and orgasm, in multiple ways, including ejaculation, each with her unique rhythm for generating her pleasure. Tragically, most women and their lovers do not know about this. Education about female anatomy and arousal is a foundation of my work with women and the people who make love to them. Once a woman has clear knowledge of her anatomy and a pleasure map of feeling her physical erotic temple, she is empowered to experience the rich emotional and spiritual possibilities of her sexuality.
This is critical: in order for the watery miracle of arousal and engorgement to take place a woman must feel safe. So many women have engaged in sex and "consented" to penetration without sufficent arousal and not fully engorged, and they experience disappointment, frustration, dysfunction, and feelings of inadequacy.
Women, take time to chart the watery depths of your sacred sexual anatomy and teach your lovers to wait for your tide to rise.
Here is an elegant drawing of a woman's erectile network from Sheri Winston's ground-breaking book, Women's Anatomy of Arousal, a book every woman must read and own.
Stay tuned for news of workshops and presentations on women's sexuality and empowerment. We can also work one on one in private session. Call me for your free initial consultation.
Your abundance blesses the world!
Be Gentle with Yourself...
Diva Carla
Are you waiting for something? Waiting to be good enough, rich enough, tough enough? Wait no longer. You are all you need to be right now to have the love life you desire and deserve. I can help you remember. Decide to change your love life NOW, and see what magic happens in your life as a result!
Call me to reserve your space in Better S ex NOW!.
Don't let shame talk you out of your joyous life one minute more. Begin now with a phone call: 207-619-DIVA.
Water Medicine
East Coast: The 20th Annual Hobbs Pond Swim was Sunday, August 7. I participated and finished--LAST! Read the story of my Hobbs Pond Swim.
West Coast: The mission for 10 days on Galiano Island in British Columbia was to be immersed in sexological bodywork community and practice. I needed the water to get me through, and I swam almost everyday. The water was cold, deep, quiet, and kelpy and full of life. Thrilling water for swimming. Not as salty as the local Atlantic.
Pisces Sun, Scorpio Rising, Jupiter and Uranus in Cancer: I require living water to feel like a true human.
I swam here in this tidal cove, warm and alive.
I swam here in deep water with classmates, as free as the otters in the kelp. COLD!
08/09/2011
Live Like a Duck
(your 2nd report from Sexological Bodywork immersion)
Where is your personal allegience? Is it to fear and tension or to relaxation and pleasure?
A lesson from the ducks:
An immature bald eagle on Islesboro was learning to hunt. The raptor targeted a familiy of ducklings bobbing on the water with their parents. He would dive on the ducklings. They would instantly dive under the water out of reach, as their mama beat the air and squawked loudly at the predator. As the eagle flew by with empty talons the ducklings bobbed to the surface, going about their duck business. This scene was repeated 5 or 6 times, with no meal for the eagle. He flew off at last, and the duck family went calmly about their swimming and feeding. The threat gave way to peace and relaxation. It's a simple example of the way wild animals have evolved a neurology for survival and reproduction and a good ducky life.
We humans have large creative brains that are divine in nature. This creative power has a shadow. Our imaginations create FEAR out of nothing. The hungry eagle never goes away.
The modern human nervous system is stuck on flight or fight, the "up-regulated" state. Even our fun, recreation, and pleasure tends to be stuck in a high-energy UP state. We industrialized humans have as a whole become addicted to the UP state. We use substances like sugar, caffiene, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, sports, and sex to either balance, or to maintain the UP. Our society values the UP, and will sell us aids to the UP, the HIGH.
Down regulating practices like yoga, meditation, and stillness can seem boring, till we crash: dysfunctional heart, blood pressure, liver, digestion, sex organs, depression, cancer.
Let's breathe.... aaaaahhhhh.
Here is the good news: "The nervous system is the cutting edge of evolution," according to Ellen Heed, who taught the anatomy sessions of Sexological Bodywork. Each of us can make the conscious choice to evolve our nervous system to create a rhythmic balance between up regulated and down regulated states. We have this memory in our bodies. All we need is education and practice.
Why is this so important? Cellular repair happens in the down regulated state. Trauma from shame, stress, abuse, and injury stored in our bodies unwinds and releases in the down regulated state. Sexual arousal and engorgement (erectile function) happens in the transition between up regulation and down regulation. Orgasm happens in both states, in the peaks and the valleys. Both up and down regulation are required to explore all the erotic possibilities that belong to us as human beings.
There is a richness, an opulence, in this information. I am sharing it with you in a written, left brain manner, though truly it can be only known through feeling and experience. Sexological Bodywork works with the experience of up and down regulation and teaches you how to create this healthy neurology for yourself. Orgasmic Alchemy teaches you how to work with the energy to create your life the way you want it.
Let's breathe.... aaahhhh....
The Eagles and Ducks have a lot to teach us.
Enjoy the Eagle Medicine I brought from Galiano Island in the photos below.
Your abundance blesses the world!
Be Gentle with Yourself...
Diva Carla
Are You Wishing for a Better Sex Life Someday? Have you been waiting to work with Diva Carla? Waiting for you life to get better? Waiting for Love to knock on your door, or bowl you over? Waiting to be good enough, rich enough, tough enough?
Wait no longer.
Decide to change your love life NOW, and see what magic happens in your life as a result!
Call me to reserve your space in Better Sex NOW!.
I have 3 spaces available in August. Don't let shame talk you out of your joyous life one minute more. Begin now with a phone call: 207-619-DIVA.
EAGLE MEDICINE
An experienced and patient hunter waited for over an hour.
See the dark diagonal spot at the center of the photo? The eagle making a successful dive for food.
08/07/2011
27:27
That's my finish time for the 1/2 mile 20th Annual Hobbs Pond Swim in Hope, Maine.
I came in last, also known as the anchor position. It was my first time in the Hobbs Pond Swim. This race is famous for being real laid back. Here is an excerpt from the official rules:
The swim is strictly informal. Swimmers of all ages are welcome. Volunteer spotters and timers are needed. There are no entry fees, prizes, t-shirts or fundraising for the even. We do keep records, though, so please give your name and email address. Participants may race or relax.
Clearly, I relaxed. I even paused to watch an osprey hanging like a giant kite over the swim course, till he dropped with a bang into the water not 30 feet from me and came up with a fish.
The weather was challenging, pouring rain wiith a nice chop on the pond surface. The wind funnels between Hatchet and Ragged Mountains the length of the long pond, and breaks onto the public boat ramp where the race starts. I had more water up my nose in this 27 minutes and 27 second swim than I have all summer. My feet cramp up after the first quarter mile. I have a strategy for this. It is effective, but slow.
And I felt super all day. Half-mile is a great distance to swim when you are having fun with your people.
There were a number of photographers along the course. A photo may surface of me wearing an orange rubber cap (applied over head and coiled hair condom-style) with the number 26 in black magic marker. If it does, I may or may not post it here!
Here is a view of Hobbs Pond borrowed from Google Maps. The Boat Ramp is at the top of the pond on the round end. The swim course hugs the curved shore at that end.
08/05/2011
Naked Coffee Friday: Pisces, Scorpio Rising
This morning I took a dawn swim in Hobbs Pond, just me and the mist and a loon.
I’ve been “training” on Friday mornings with the Megunticook Morning Milers, a group of serious amateur athletes who race and do triathlons and such. I am swimming the Hobbs Pond Swim on Sunday. It’s a half mile, and I figured I needed to train.
I discovered I don’t like training. I don’t like swimming a straight line for a long distance. I prefer to cavort like a dolphin and tease turtles and minnows with my fingers and toes. And float on my back in a pond so still the water is like sky, clouds above me and all around me.
For 10 days in July I was on Galiano Island off Vancouver, British Columbia. The mission was to be immersed in sexological bodywork community and practice. I needed the water to get me through, and I swam almost everyday. The water was cold, deep, quiet, and kelpy and full of life. Thrilling water for swimming. Not as salty as the local Atlantic.
This afternoon I’m catching the high tide fun at Lincolnville Beach. Let the ocean rock my soul oh so sweet and gentle.
I’ll be swimming the Hobbs Pond Half-Mile Swim Sunday Morning August 7th. Think of me, and come cheer me on and fish me out if you are in the neighborhood.
Pisces Sun, Scorpio Rising, Jupiter and Uranus in Cancer: I require living water to feel like a true human.
Hobbs Pond last fall. It looked a bit like this when I left this morning.
Short Sweet Report from Galiano Island
Arbutus trees at Bodega Ridge on Galiano Island.
I am making a soft landing home after an intense and powerful trip. I attended the International Peace Chamber Gathering in Pennsylvania and then flew away to an Island off Vancouver, BC, to commune with a group of sexological bodyworkers. It was an extraordinary time of learning, practice, pleasure, and nature. I have so many new things to bring to you in our work together.
Internet connection was spotty on the island, so I gave up my plan to send you posts from the erotic edge of the world. But I took notes and will share them over the next few days in a series of SHORT and SWEET Love Letters.
Where is your personal allegience? Is it to fear and tension or to relaxation and pleasure? The answer to this question lies in your body. If you want to change your alliegience, you must change through your body. We change by remembering the body's natural rhythms of up-regulation (excitement) and down-regulation (enjoyment). A yoga practice can help one remember the cycles of up and down regulation. So can sex. The perfect practice includes both: the Yoga of Sex!
More on that later.
Let's breathe.... aaahhhh....
Your abundance blesses the world!
Be Gentle with Yourself...
Diva Carla
